Forgiveness Begins With Self

Can you really forgive those that have hurt you? Maybe you think you’ve forgiven old wounds but deep down in your heart you really haven’t. At times we have to ask ourselves why it is so hard to forgive. We may not be able to answer the question because we don’t realize that we have to forgive ourselves before we can truly forgive others and move on with our lives. If we dig a little deeper into why we find it so difficult to forgive others, we might find that it is not someone else that we are holding a grudge against but rather ourselves.

Here’s an example of my own battle with forgiveness. I was raised by a single parent – my mother. I always resented my father for not being there. I could not forgive his absence. I placed blame everywhere I could. I blamed him, my mother and myself. But deep down, I blamed myself the most. I felt that I must have been the reason why he left. Maybe he didn’t want a child. Maybe I cried too much. Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. All sorts of thoughts ran through my mind. I needed to know why he chose not to be a part of my life.

It took years for me to come to terms with the fact that my father’s absence was not my fault. I was an infant. I was not to blame for him leaving. I realized it wasn’t my mother’s fault either. People make choices and we can’t go around accepting the blame for those decisions nor can we make someone else the scapegoat. I have finally forgiven my father for not being part of my life. I still don’t know why he made the decision he did. But I don’t know what the circumstances of his life were like at the time either. I’m sure he had his reasons. It doesn’t matter anymore. I only know that as long as I held onto my resentment toward him, I could not move forward with my own life.

We reach a point where we have to let go of our anger and resentment in order to heal the self. Being abandoned by my father had left a wound that I’ve carried around far too long. That wound was like an infection that spread to every part of my life. That one event had affected me in ways I never even realized. Because of it I became bitter and untrusting. I held people at arm’s length. This kept me from developing close relationships and truly enjoying life. The resentment was a disease. I had to let go and forgive before I became totally consumed by my own inability to open my heart to forgiveness.

We tend to blame others for everything that goes wrong in our lives. Sometimes others are to blame for certain events or circumstances but more often we blame others for our own inadequacies. We have to be able to face ourselves in the light of truth, forgive, let go and then move on. Blame is fear of facing the self. It is easier to place blame rather than to accept oneself and others. Once that blame has been placed it becomes a wall of unforgiveness and in a sense security. It is a way of keeping others out.

People often hold grudges for so long that they forget what the actual transgression had been. It is unfortunate that many good friendships are not reconciled because neither party is willing to be the one to take the first step toward forgiveness. Holding a grudge is like carrying around an enormous amount of extra weight. It is neither healthy nor does it serve any other purpose except to weigh you down. Once you are able to drop the weight of the grudge, you become healthier on all levels.

We’ve already concluded that you can’t go through life blaming others for choices gone wrong, but to go through life blaming yourself for all of the world’s ills is no way to live either. Some people have themselves convinced that every tribulation they encounter is a divine punishment for some horrendous act of disobedience they’ve committed. Life is not a divine conspiracy to punish anyone. Things happen for a reason. We make choices. Those choices give birth to results that may be positive or negative depending on the choice made. Even the negative consequences can bear positive fruit if we learn from them.

Life is full of lessons. To continually blame ourselves for past mistakes is to dwell upon the negative. This type of behavior makes us stagnant. It keeps us from getting on with life. It’s like being in school, learning the same lessons over and over but never being promoted to the next grade. In essence, that’s what you do to yourself when you continue to blame yourself for your mistakes and those of others. You constantly bombard your inner self with phrases such as: “I should have worked harder,” “I should have been a better parent,” “If only I had done things differently.” Those statements may be true. Maybe you should have worked harder, been a better parent or did things differently but the truth is you did things the way you did them. You can’t go back and do them over. This is a one way trip. This vehicle doesn’t have a reverse gear. You can only go forward. If you keep trying to go backward you’ll just stall out, never really getting anywhere.

If you truly want to change things, stop blaming – period. Accept your past mistakes, acknowledge them and let them go. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and forgive others for theirs. Don’t let stubborn pride keep you from saying “I’m sorry,” and don’t just say the words but really mean what you say. Don’t let your damaged ego keep you from allowing your heart to forgive. Forgiveness really is the first step in healing the inner demons of resentment, fear and anger. Let the healing salve of forgiveness treat your wounded soul.

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